It’s been three years that I’ve been cancer free. I have a CT scan in two days and I have a feeling it will be okay. Life is normal about every four months. I don't usually get nervous until I'm actually being scanned. So on Wednesday, as I'm being run through the cancer-detector apparatus, I'll turn to study the lab technician's face to see if anything new has developed since my last CT from four months ago.
Most of my life and since I was about 10 years old, I've kept a journal. I don't make it a habit of reading my journals but writing your thoughts down can be a way of healing. Frustrations are not healthy to keep in. "Better out than in," my urologist once told me. Until recently, I had never read my journal from 2002 dealing about the cancer recurrence. It recounts a time where I lost my strength and balance for the first time in my life and for this reason I have it on a shelf in a box, buried deep in the back of my closet.
When I read it I realized that I’ve changed in some ways but for the most part I’m still the same person. I strongly believe that a person's attitude, whether hopeful or cynical, doesn't change considerably whether in times of distress or harmony. There are times when I don't see the up side of things and I'm kept grounded. I'm very thankful for all that's happened in my life. Sometimes I think that when I talk in that "inspirational mode" that I'm trying to rationalize my cancer survivor experience. But I do feel blessed to see life from my perspective.
It's been raining a lot here in California which is lovely for the Spring flowers. Jackie gave me tulip bulbs and a pretty ceramic planter for my birthday. I planted the bulbs in December and I can't wait until they hatch.
20 February 2005
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